MistressOfTheGhouls

" - This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

- Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me...

- Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?

- WHERE ARE THE TURTLES? WHERE ARE THEY?

- You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded.

- Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!]

- No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!

- Grief counseling is not about, "Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats." - Michael Scott

" - All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck, but she's worried because she's got a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys, so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it in her vagina so when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening; however I don't think this is going to work out. P.S., your vagina is in the sink." [unfazed] Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again." - Peter Griffin